Yarn of Yesteryear
Sex Education on
the Farm or Udderly
Stumped
I grew up on a farm where animals were
making love all of the time, often without proper marriages or courtships and
sometimes in polygamous relationships.
We milked cows for a living, had dogs, cats, pigs, chickens, ducks and
geese and sometimes borrowed the neighbor’s bull for a visit to our farm. Visits by the Inseminator added a little
confusion, but by 7th grade we farm boys were fully educated, just a
little in the dark as to correct terminology.
My church gave me clear guidance. Everything before marriage was absolutely
wrong—dancing, petting, kissing, thinking, TV, movies, self-abuse, etc. all
leading to moral decay, drugs and spindly girly men headed straight for hell.
After marriage advice was limited to divorce, coveting your neighbor and
adultery as additional paths to hell.
We began our sex education with questions to
the adults around us.
Why is the bull so ornery? “You would be ornery if you were kept in a
pen or tied up all day long too!”
What does the bull do when you shut the
barn doors and leave the cow in? “He is
being a Daddy.”
Why can’t we watch the bull being a
daddy? “When you are older.”
How long does it take? “Oh about 20 seconds.”
Why does the rooster keep jumping on the
hens and pecking their heads? “He is
ornery too.”
Why did the Tom Cat kill the baby
kittens. “They had a different Daddy.”
Why is the momma cat yowling so much
today? “Give her some milk, she must be
hungry.”
Why did Lady have one puppy that looks so
different? “He had a different Daddy
then the others.”
Does Lady have two husbands? “Dogs are different then people.”
Why is that cow jumping up and riding the
other cow? “She is just lazy and wants
a free ride to the pasture.”
When does the ‘seminator man come
again? (He gives us kids a piece of
candy!) “The artificial inseminator
comes when a cow is in heat”
Does he give the cow some aspirin for her
temperature? “You got it wrong, he is
putting a calf inside the cow.”
Can we watch? “When you are older.”
Why does he wear such long gloves and what
are the straws for? “I hear your mother
calling.”
Why did our heifer jump the fence and run away to the neighbors? “She wanted to visit the bull over there.”
Why did our heifer jump the fence and run away to the neighbors? “She wanted to visit the bull over there.”
Why are we pulling so hard? “The calf is stuck and the cow will die if we
don’t pull him out.”
My farm friends at school were no better
educated. “Gina raised her hand and I
could see her bag through her armhole!” bragged Don at recess.
“Listen you dummy, you don’t call it a bag
on a girl, that’s only on a cow”
“Well, what do you call it?” We were stumped. Udders?
Finally SCFHS gave a sex education
class. The boys were in one and the
girls in another. Dr. Riegel talked to
us with a priest and minister sitting in.
There were no pictures and very few words we understood in the short
talk. We did gather that it took a guy
and a girl to have a baby and that we shouldn’t be thinking about it until
after we are married. “Cold showers will
keep you pure.” “Self abuse is wrong—more cold showers” “Are there any questions?” Of
course no one dared ask a question.
Eventually I got married and got on the
job training.
A Great Fall
Once upon a time, there was a
not too young prince, Prince Russ, who liked to build and fix things. One day, he said to his brother, Prince
Everett, and his nephew, Prince Bryce, “Let’s fix the roof on the sawmill shed
on Thursday.” After the usual amount of
grumpling, Prince Everett and Prince Bryce agreed.
On Thursday, they met at the
sawmill shed. “Who will fix the roof?”
asked Prince Russ. “Not I,” said Prince
Everett, “I have to fix the posts.”
“Not I”, said Prince Bryce, “I have to use my tractor to clear the
slabs.” “Well, then I will,” said Prince
Russ. And he proceeded to climb to the
top of the 100 foot step ladder with a huge board to fix the roof.
Just then a terrible
earthquake started shaking the ground.
Prince Russ hung on to the ladder with all his might. The ladder swayed left; the ladder swayed
right; the ladder jumped up and down.
Prince Russ had a great fall. All
of Cushing’s First Responders and all of St. Croix’s doctors couldn’t put
Prince Russ together again.
A big white ambulance rushed
Prince Russ to the World Famous Mayo Clinic where Dr. Sems, cut open his leg on both sides to look
at the bone. “Oh, my,” said Nurse
Johnson. “Bring me my Sears electric
drill,” ordered Dr. Sems, “and bring me all the metal screws, plates, and
hinges that are in the janitors shop.”
Then Dr. Sems took the bones from the knee to the ankle, which he called
the Fibula and Tibia, and started putting them together again. He put in 12 stainless steel screws. He put in two silver spoons. He put in a stainless steel strap that was
used for holding a muffler on a car.
“Good as new!” he exclaimed after three hours and using up all of his
hardware.
“Go home and wait for 100
days and then learn how to walk and everything will be fine, said Dr.
Sems. And he was right, except for one
thing, Prince Russ had so much iron and steel in his leg, that every night in
bed, he rolled and turned around until his leg pointed north like a compass. Although this was a bother at first, Prince
Russ never got lost again when he was hunting or camping, because his leg
always pointed north!
Poem (only a Red ribbon here)
Deer Santa
Twas
the night before Christmas, at the cabin on the lake
The
only creature stirring was Margo beginning to bake.
The
stocking were hung by the stove pipe with care
In
hopes they’d dry out before day would be there.
The
mice were all snug in their tiny little beds
While
visions of cookie crumbs danced in their heads.
And
Margo in her apron, while I took a nap,
Had
just started mixing some fresh ginger snaps.
When
out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I
sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away
to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore
open the curtains and scraped frost off the sash.
The
moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave
the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When,
what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But
a grizzled old buck, a huge white-tail deer.
He
made not a sound, but went straight to his work,
And
emptied all the feeders, then turned with a jerk.
And
giving a snort from way too much greed,
Bucked
trash can over and spilled all the seed.
He
ate forty dollars worth of fancy bird food,
Then
turned to the feeders in a dangerous mood.
And
knocked them about and then to the ground
And
stomped them to pieces with nary a sound.
He
searched all about for any more plunder,
While
I yelled curses and hollered like thunder.
I
opened the door and gave a sharp whistle,
As
he headed towards my bucket of thistle.
He
chomped it all down, with hardly a pause,
Then
turned to examine my air filled Claus.
With
sharp pointed antlers, he gave it a poke,
And
down went Santa, air spewing like smoke.
I
took out my gun, and shot high over head
To
to scare him away with a hail of lead.
He
looked all about, to find more to eat
But
nothing was left, so he made his retreat.
As
he walked slowly off, he turned back his head,
And
I read in his eye; it gave me much to dread.
“I’ll
be back real soon,” ere he went out of sight,
“Merry
Christmas to you and to all a good night.”
There were about 10 entries in all. We earned many ribbons on apples, butter, maple syrup products, and some other of our 25 entries. We spent most of our time hosting the 160 year old school house museum on the fair grounds and counted a total of over 1400 people stopping in to visit during the 4 days of the fair. This was our 8th year to help out.