St Croix River Road Ramblings

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Monday, July 30, 2012

Polk Fair Winners

I entered two stories and a poem at the 2012 Polk Co Fair and got 2 blues and a red.  Here they are
Yarn of Yesteryear

Sex Education on the Farm or Udderly Stumped

   I grew up on a farm where animals were making love all of the time, often without proper marriages or courtships and sometimes in polygamous relationships.  We milked cows for a living, had dogs, cats, pigs, chickens, ducks and geese and sometimes borrowed the neighbor’s bull for a visit to our farm.  Visits by the Inseminator added a little confusion, but by 7th grade we farm boys were fully educated, just a little in the dark as to correct terminology. 
   My church gave me clear guidance.  Everything before marriage was absolutely wrong—dancing, petting, kissing, thinking, TV, movies, self-abuse, etc. all leading to moral decay, drugs and spindly girly men headed straight for hell. After marriage advice was limited to divorce, coveting your neighbor and adultery as additional paths to hell.
 We began our sex education with questions to the adults around us.
     Why is the bull so ornery?  “You would be ornery if you were kept in a pen or tied up all day long too!”
     What does the bull do when you shut the barn doors and leave the cow in?  “He is being a Daddy.”
     Why can’t we watch the bull being a daddy?  “When you are older.”
     How long does it take?  “Oh about 20 seconds.”
     Why does the rooster keep jumping on the hens and pecking their heads?  “He is ornery too.”
     Why did the Tom Cat kill the baby kittens.  “They had a different Daddy.”
     Why is the momma cat yowling so much today?  “Give her some milk, she must be hungry.”
     Why did Lady have one puppy that looks so different?  “He had a different Daddy then the others.”
     Does Lady have two husbands?  “Dogs are different then people.”
      Why is that cow jumping up and riding the other cow?   “She is just lazy and wants a free ride to the pasture.”
     When does the ‘seminator man come again?  (He gives us kids a piece of candy!)  “The artificial inseminator comes when a cow is in heat”
     Does he give the cow some aspirin for her temperature?  “You got it wrong, he is putting a calf inside the cow.”
     Can we watch?  “When you are older.” 
     Why does he wear such long gloves and what are the straws for?  “I hear your mother calling.” 
     Why did our heifer jump the fence and run away to the neighbors?  “She wanted to visit the bull over there.”
     Why are we pulling so hard?  “The calf is stuck and the cow will die if we don’t pull him out.”
     My farm friends at school were no better educated.  “Gina raised her hand and I could see her bag through her armhole!” bragged Don at recess. 
   “Listen you dummy, you don’t call it a bag on a girl, that’s only on a cow”
   “Well, what do you call it?”   We were stumped.  Udders?
     Finally SCFHS gave a sex education class.  The boys were in one and the girls in another.  Dr. Riegel talked to us with a priest and minister sitting in.  There were no pictures and very few words we understood in the short talk.  We did gather that it took a guy and a girl to have a baby and that we shouldn’t be thinking about it until after we are married.  “Cold showers will keep you pure.” “Self abuse is wrong—more cold showers”  “Are there any questions?”   Of course no one dared ask a question.
     Eventually I got married and got on the job training.  

*****   Story of 500 words or less -- I wrote this story to explain my knee brace to my great nieces and nephews

A Great Fall

Once upon a time, there was a not too young prince, Prince Russ, who liked to build and fix things.  One day, he said to his brother, Prince Everett, and his nephew, Prince Bryce, “Let’s fix the roof on the sawmill shed on Thursday.”  After the usual amount of grumpling, Prince Everett and Prince Bryce agreed.

On Thursday, they met at the sawmill shed.   “Who will fix the roof?” asked Prince Russ.  “Not I,” said Prince Everett, “I have to fix the posts.”   “Not I”, said Prince Bryce, “I have to use my tractor to clear the slabs.”  “Well, then I will,” said Prince Russ.  And he proceeded to climb to the top of the 100 foot step ladder with a huge board to fix the roof. 

Just then a terrible earthquake started shaking the ground.  Prince Russ hung on to the ladder with all his might.  The ladder swayed left; the ladder swayed right; the ladder jumped up and down.  Prince Russ had a great fall.  All of Cushing’s First Responders and all of St. Croix’s doctors couldn’t put Prince Russ together again. 

A big white ambulance rushed Prince Russ to the World Famous Mayo Clinic where Dr.  Sems, cut open his leg on both sides to look at the bone.  “Oh, my,” said Nurse Johnson.  “Bring me my Sears electric drill,” ordered Dr. Sems, “and bring me all the metal screws, plates, and hinges that are in the janitors shop.”  Then Dr. Sems took the bones from the knee to the ankle, which he called the Fibula and Tibia, and started putting them together again.   He put in 12 stainless steel screws.  He put in two silver spoons.  He put in a stainless steel strap that was used for holding a muffler on a car.  “Good as new!” he exclaimed after three hours and using up all of his hardware. 

“Go home and wait for 100 days and then learn how to walk and everything will be fine, said Dr. Sems.  And he was right, except for one thing, Prince Russ had so much iron and steel in his leg, that every night in bed, he rolled and turned around until his leg pointed north like a compass.  Although this was a bother at first, Prince Russ never got lost again when he was hunting or camping, because his leg always pointed north!  

Poem (only a Red ribbon here)
                     Deer Santa
Twas the night before Christmas, at the cabin on the lake
The only creature stirring was Margo beginning to bake.
The stocking were hung by the stove pipe with care
In hopes they’d dry out before day would be there.

The mice were all snug in their tiny little beds
While visions of cookie crumbs danced in their heads.
And Margo in her apron, while I took a nap,
Had just started mixing some fresh ginger snaps.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains and scraped frost off the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a grizzled old buck, a huge white-tail deer.

He made not a sound, but went straight to his work,
And emptied all the feeders, then turned with a jerk.
And giving a snort from way too much greed,
Bucked trash can over and spilled all the seed. 

He ate forty dollars worth of fancy bird food,
Then turned to the feeders in a dangerous mood.
And knocked them about and then to the ground
And stomped them to pieces with nary a sound.

He searched all about for any more plunder,
While I yelled curses and hollered like thunder.
I opened the door and gave a sharp whistle,
As he headed towards my bucket of thistle.

He chomped it all down, with hardly a pause,
Then turned to examine my air filled Claus.
With sharp pointed antlers, he gave it a poke,
And down went Santa, air spewing like smoke.  

I took out my gun, and shot high over head
To to scare him away with a hail of lead.
He looked all about, to find more to eat
But nothing was left, so he made his retreat. 

As he walked slowly off, he turned back his head,
And I read in his eye; it gave me much to dread. 
“I’ll be back real soon,” ere he went out of sight,
“Merry Christmas to you and to all a good night.”

There were about 10 entries in all.  We earned many ribbons on apples, butter, maple syrup products, and some other of our 25 entries.  We spent most of our time hosting the 160 year old school house museum on the fair grounds and counted a total of over 1400 people stopping in to visit during the 4 days of the fair.  This was our 8th year to help out.